What If New Hires Had To Take A "Snowflake Test" To Get The Job?

Let's ponder a world in which woke social justice advocates experience limited employment opportunities because they can't pass the Grownups test.

Public domain photo on Pxhere

What???

These guys were targets of an unsuccessful cancelling campaign?

They had my attention. Lately, with the post-October 7th woke watermelon kersplat and Donald Trump’s wall resonating even with some level-headed liberals, I’ve been wondering if it’s now possible to stand up to the left’s psychopathic cyberbullies, perhaps, even, if there might one day be a way to monetize it, make it work for you, a larval idea definitely still curled up in my mental honeycomb somewhere. Either option will require the balls or labia to handle it, and I don’t know what the successful recipe looks like. But here was a company in Connecticut, my old stomping grounds, in fact in the same town where I used to visit friends, melting the ‘flakes.

Their website claims that self-appointed ‘social justice warriors’ slammed them on social media, calling them out for supporting ‘pigs and killers’. Bet you can guess who that means. Not surprisingly, this agency has a firm conservative mission statement and values. Surprisingly, it’s a marketing and PR agency.

I say that because after nearly thirty years of visiting commercial and business websites, the folks who own and work for marketing agencies customarily don’t vote red in great numbers.

What I’ll just call The Agency greets you with a pop-message on their home page: “We’re not staying silent any longer.”

Interest piqued at Grow Some Labia—who were these Mad Men who challenged the Woke Swarm—and survived?

I couldn’t find any details about the cancel mob’s alleged attack but the CEO did mention their pet programs for the police and military veterans. “If you don’t support our first responders, get out,” he says.

Pretty sure there’s no DEI program at The Agency. Not sure how diverse it is either as it seems pretty white and he-man, although in one Fox interview they feature a black man he hired. I did note a few women. The most interesting thing about his agency is his ‘Snowflake Test’. It’s questions job applicants must answer to be considered, and he says it eliminates 60% who drop out before finishing. It’s not the SAT; it doesn’t take two or three hours. I’m guessing 15-20 minutes unless you’re a novelist.

He says it’s not about political beliefs, but rather a mindset. He notes there are conservative snowflakes too (let’s remember, they’re responsible for about 40% of academic professor firings in the U.S.!) He’s okay with coming across as a ‘kooky nationalist’.

He complains they were getting deluged with job applications, from people who couldn’t spell, didn’t know ‘you’re’ from ‘your’, and most of all were ridiculously entitled. They didn’t even know what The Agency did. Many made the common delusional Millennial/Zoomer assumption that coming out of school, they deserved to start at $100,000.

When his Snowflake Test went viral, he was deluged with more job applicants—presumably those who thought they’d pass, or knew they’d pass if they’d found it on Da Internetz, and about 20,000 emails both for and against. Many CEOs expressed a wish to be able to require it for their own companies, but they ‘can’t’.

In one YouTube video The CEO talks hard turkey to Millennials, of which he acknowledges he’s one himself.

It’s peppered with quick glimpses of movie quotes from Braveheart, pro wrestling, Donald Trump and what I suspect is a scene from the remake of The Hills Have Eyes, a guy being burned alive in the desert while tied to a tree (in the original, which I’ve seen, he’s tied to a cactus). The CEO is fond of the green-screen background of hypermasculine alcoholic beverages—not a bottle of Merlot anywhere! One sees that background frequently in other videos.

I know I could pass his Snowflake Test but I wouldn’t want to work for The Agency. I respect what they’re doing and I appreciate the CEO has his own solid values, not all of which I agree with—or perhaps to his extent—but he’s standing up to whiny weakass snowflakery and we remaining Real Liberals are fed up with them too. I won’t argue with his commitment to family, country and patriotism, values worth supporting if they don’t degenerate into rah-rah January 6th conspiratorial lunacy, but I’ll note that America’s biggest snowflake is on the right and angling to be president in between criminal trials.

Conservative thought isn’t any more evil than is liberal thought; it’s all in how logical and rational it is and how it’s applied. People who think neither side has anything valuable to offer are dangerous extremists. Or just morons. The best of all possible worlds combines multiple good ideas from various political camps and leaves the crap behind. When I debate conservatives on the benefits of marriage and the need to return to it, I state up front: I agree, but gay marriage stays. It’s not up for debate. Homosexuality is real, and there’s no logical, rational reason to prohibit it; critics inevitably turn to the dictates of a holy book written by shepherds and smelly lunatics screaming to no one in the desert thousands of years ago the way one of their descendants screams on the street outside my apartment complex today. Although it’s unrecorded whether any of the Biblical prophets ever yelled, “I want to suck your dick! Why won’t you let me suck your dick?”

Some of the CEO’s other videos depict himself and other staff members engaging in he-man Feats of Strength like training with Navy Seals. I wonder what The Agency’s workplace is like for women and whether sexual harassment is dealt with properly. Do they even have an HR manager? I don’t see one on their company LinkedIn profile. Are women expected to ‘suck it up’, and what happens if the CEO himself is the harasser? It’s the core weakness of HR: No authority above the man on top, who signs everyone else’s paycheck. Their tough-talking Joe Rogan suspiciously doesn’t ever want to hear anything about feelings, which are real and need to be respected even when one isn’t a snowflake. A review on GlassDoor notes that he likes to walk around ‘strapped’, I assume with a gun, not a dildo. Forty years ago I had a co-worker who brought a legal gun to the office every day and I didn’t care; today I’d care a fuckuva lot since right-wingers commit the bulk of mass shootings. What if it’s The Agency’s Dirty Harry who goes off the deep end?

It seems the CEO himself is capable of getting butthurt. Another GlassDoor reviewer had this to say:

From the CEO down, leadership is extremely toxic; luckily this company is still tiny, so with a change of leadership, the toxic culture could be easily amended. I also happened to notice in a previous post from the CEO which makes me a bit concerned even after leaving SPM "60% of our staff is actually not conservative". This would imply that there was some type of party tracking happening at my place of employment, which needless to say, is very unsettling.

The CEO responded unconvincingly, accusing the poster of a fake review and threatening to sue for ‘slander’ (Pro tip, Rambo: Written falsehoods are ‘libel’, and this was an opinion on an opinion site). He offered no valid reasons for thinking it was fake, apart from claiming they’d had no one who only worked there for six months.

A few other responses indicate that what triggers this guy is critical reviews. Snowflakes: Sometimes they’re red-white-and-blue!

He sets off my own red flags; I’d rather have a beer with him than work for him, but I like his Snowflake Test and I’d love to see it more widely adopted in the corporate and especially the academic world. He’s the CEO many wish they were: The guy who’s not too pussy to stand up to spoiled snowflakes, who calls them out and doesn’t cave like a little bitch when a bunch of anonymous losers with grey heads or eighteen different Pride flags in their profile call for someone to get fired because someone ‘depersonalized’ them on X. I deliberately use misogynist language here: America’s CEOs are a manly bunch, but the quickest castration is by cancel campaign; I suspect the reason they issue written apologies after these events is because if they tried to speak, only dogs could hear their voices.

Millennials, and now Zoomers, earned their reputation for snowflakery. The stereotype doesn’t fit all members of these generations, but many electrons have been spilled over the younger generations’ disinterest in working; Jody Foster complained about young work colleagues who can’t spell or express themselves properly in email and who don’t come in for work if ‘they’re not feeling it’ that morning.

The Snowflake Test filters for grownups and ensures the HR manager’s time will mostly be spent hiring and managing the company insurance plan, rather than sorting out conflicts between adult children who suffered the cruelest microaggression this morning: Some racist asshole said he didn’t like black coffee! Or who get mad because the rest of the staff isn’t keeping up with their hourly pronoun changes.

The Agency’s CEO makes some great points about the need to work, to come into the office on time, every morning, and you’re out the door if you can’t hack it; I’m reminded of a roommate I had thirty-seven years ago whose boss called her every morning to wake her up so she could make it to work on time; she was a waitress at Friendly’s and apparently she’d never heard of the ‘alarm clock’, which my boss would have fired me for if I didn’t have one.

Snowflakes’ parents didn’t do their jobs raising their li’l chilluns to be good citizens, conscientious workers, or to be resilient to adversity; these modern Peter Pans are destined to be supported by their parents in perpetuity.

The ‘Snowflake Test’ calls out the strong stench of corrupted ‘social justice’ that permeates DEI-infected corporate and academic North America to nag, harass, bully and hector employees who should only be expected to come in every day to do a job, whether it’s to reconcile the financial reports, build a new product, code the next killer app, book some demos, support the customers or manage the operations.

‘Social justice’ has no place in the workplace unless you work for a social justice non-profit; employers and employees otherwise are not there to save the world, but to make the shit you want, need, and buy. Part of what will make them successful is learning how to work with people they might not want to hang out with in the lunchroom, or even sit next to at the after-hours company gathering at a local waterhole. The Christian conservative and the feminist need to respect each other enough to keep their differences out of the office; the Black Lives Matter guy and the white Republican must do the same. And the whateverthefuck with the pink hair, the nose ring and the flag du jour on their desk needs to realize that most people don’t do bespoke pronouns but don’t much care how they dress or present themselves as long as they get their work done.

Snowflake tests aren’t just for rah-rah conservatives like the red-office-in-a-blue-state Agency. They’re for all of us who simply want to come to work without a morning wasted on a Zoom call with a hateful bigot force-feeding us the latest Kendi-fueled innovations in anti-white racism and blindness to antisemitism.

Of course, I realize replacing DEI with a Snowflake Test will put a lot of DEI ‘trainers’ out of work.

I’m good with that. Hopefully their parents haven’t sold the family home and moved to Fort Lauderdale, but if they have, I hope they’ll have fun living in DeSantisworld.

But don’t expect any ‘gay days’!

When I’m not wondering whether it’s anti-Latinx to use ‘hector’ in a sentence, I wonder what a Snowflake Test to filter out irritating brainless Trumpers and nutty conspiracy theorists would look like. Meanwhile, I help others take back their power here on Grow Some Labia.