In order to reduce domestic violence, one must first recognize and challenge the source, and those who agree to it. The latest campaign misses the mark, as usual.
I feel you are being too hard on the victims re your "after the first strike..." comment. The reasons women don't "just leave" are well established: financial dependence, staying to protect someone even more vulnerable (child/sibling), perception that this state is normal - since many victims grow up in circumstances that accustoms them to such dynamics. The greatest possible help to victims would be cheap and plentiful availability of housing...
The major life lesson I have learned is that the predominant basis of male behaviour is seeking of esteem from other men within their milieu. Teen boys learn to dominate women because they acculturate to believing this establishes their masculine credentials within their conspecific group. One grown-into such a mindset the man will act this way through life, and pass on the pathology to the next generation. In that context targeting men with the message is correct - but too late when it occurs past teenagehood.
The biggest hole I see in protecting women from violence in nations like Australia is the willful blindness about it indigenous communities. There is a very astute academic Stephanie Jarrett who has written on this subject.
My goal is to enable women to not go so far they can't get out. By then, that's a mess others more qualified than I have to clean up to get her out of there. I want women to recognize the red flags before they go too deep with a man. And also have the initial fortitude to know what she wants, and that some men are NEVER worth it.
It's truly within a woman's power to decide how others will treat her. I've written elsewhere that I think with some partners it's merely a matter of setting down boundaries he must not cross, and you hold him to them. Not every man is a barbarous monster. Some change later, but with boundaries in place, or new ones laid down, she might not have to leave him.
But I think the most important thing we can do is challenge women (and men) not to tolerate abusive behavior, *ever*. We choose our partners, and unfortunately, every time he hits you and you don't lay down the law or leave right there, you give him permission to hit you again. When I read de Becker's comment earlier this year I shouted Hallelujah! Because so many feminists live in morbid fear of women exercising their power to say NO to abuse. I've been saying that for years. "Every time he hits you and you don't leave, you give him permission to hit you again." We women have a lot of psychological weaknesses in our brains clever abusers exploit; the BEST book I ever read about female psychological weaknesses was Neil Strauss's book The Game. He's a former pickup artist and I was blown away at how he pinpointed so many entries they exploited. It's a fantastic manual for patching one's brain.
I think we need to teach women about the other aspects of abuse. When your partner lies to you, steals from you, humiliates you, tells you your feelings don’t matter or that they’re wrong, or makes you doubt your own reality and gaslights you, these are all other aspects of abuse. Time to walk away. People who love you don’t do these things, people who are capable of loving you wouldn’t do these things. Women need to learn to discriminate who is able to love them and who is not. My abuser did all of these things for years before he finally hit me while high on cocaine-- and that was the end, But I should’ve gotten away from him a long time before that.
Glad you got out! I wonder how we can teach young girls/women what's not acceptable/loving behavior in a partner. It can be hard to get through if they have low self-esteem. I had a friend in high school with chronically low self-esteem and *no one* was going to talk her out of it. To my knowledge her family wasn't abusive but I didn't know them well. I saw her life before her when I was 18 and I wasn't wrong 😒
We have so far to go on this issue. I remember becoming aware of domestic violence in the ‘70s when I was a teenager. Women were truly unable to get support in those times; they were victims of abusive partners. I have read about and heard horror stories. But it’s like we just can’t let go of that narrative; it’s almost like if we acknowledge any agency on women’s parts, we will immediately be sucked back to that horrific reality.
It’s time to create a new, more nuanced narrative. Young women need to be explicitly taught to avoid certain dysfunctional behaviors that contribute to a mindset of helplessness and victimization. They need to be told to leave abusers at the first red flag. Passiveness leads to harm for one’s self and others.
Everyone needs to stop being afraid of the false power of aggressiveness. It’s an expression of weakness, not strength. This is true of society as a whole, not just women in unbalanced relationships.
Stand up to the bullies and stop giving them permission to dominate everyone.
I think what's going on is that many feminists are actually afraid of their own power. Naomi Wolf wrote about it in Fighting Fire With Fire. It was about feminism overall, I don't remember if she addressed abuse specifically. I think acknowledging that I might be right about this creates cognitive dissonance for some - "You mean I could have walked out of this sooner?" "Yeah I KNOW that, bitch, but I didn't know I could leave!" "Shit, she's right, I want to leave but I'm afraid." "THE LAST THING A CRYING WOMAN IN MY SHELTER NEEDS IS *YOU* TELLING HER TO JUST WALK AWAY!" Domestic violence advocates in particular are hostile to my message because their job is to clean up messes; my job, I try to explain, is to avoid messes in the first place. There seems to be an intrinsic resistance in many women's brains in taking charge of one's life; maybe it makes them feel invalidated, I don't know. Or abuse advocates, who very often have been abused themselves, don't want someone pointing out that they could have left their bad partnerships before they did.
I feel you are being too hard on the victims re your "after the first strike..." comment. The reasons women don't "just leave" are well established: financial dependence, staying to protect someone even more vulnerable (child/sibling), perception that this state is normal - since many victims grow up in circumstances that accustoms them to such dynamics. The greatest possible help to victims would be cheap and plentiful availability of housing...
The major life lesson I have learned is that the predominant basis of male behaviour is seeking of esteem from other men within their milieu. Teen boys learn to dominate women because they acculturate to believing this establishes their masculine credentials within their conspecific group. One grown-into such a mindset the man will act this way through life, and pass on the pathology to the next generation. In that context targeting men with the message is correct - but too late when it occurs past teenagehood.
The biggest hole I see in protecting women from violence in nations like Australia is the willful blindness about it indigenous communities. There is a very astute academic Stephanie Jarrett who has written on this subject.
My goal is to enable women to not go so far they can't get out. By then, that's a mess others more qualified than I have to clean up to get her out of there. I want women to recognize the red flags before they go too deep with a man. And also have the initial fortitude to know what she wants, and that some men are NEVER worth it.
It's truly within a woman's power to decide how others will treat her. I've written elsewhere that I think with some partners it's merely a matter of setting down boundaries he must not cross, and you hold him to them. Not every man is a barbarous monster. Some change later, but with boundaries in place, or new ones laid down, she might not have to leave him.
But I think the most important thing we can do is challenge women (and men) not to tolerate abusive behavior, *ever*. We choose our partners, and unfortunately, every time he hits you and you don't lay down the law or leave right there, you give him permission to hit you again. When I read de Becker's comment earlier this year I shouted Hallelujah! Because so many feminists live in morbid fear of women exercising their power to say NO to abuse. I've been saying that for years. "Every time he hits you and you don't leave, you give him permission to hit you again." We women have a lot of psychological weaknesses in our brains clever abusers exploit; the BEST book I ever read about female psychological weaknesses was Neil Strauss's book The Game. He's a former pickup artist and I was blown away at how he pinpointed so many entries they exploited. It's a fantastic manual for patching one's brain.
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I think we need to teach women about the other aspects of abuse. When your partner lies to you, steals from you, humiliates you, tells you your feelings don’t matter or that they’re wrong, or makes you doubt your own reality and gaslights you, these are all other aspects of abuse. Time to walk away. People who love you don’t do these things, people who are capable of loving you wouldn’t do these things. Women need to learn to discriminate who is able to love them and who is not. My abuser did all of these things for years before he finally hit me while high on cocaine-- and that was the end, But I should’ve gotten away from him a long time before that.
Glad you got out! I wonder how we can teach young girls/women what's not acceptable/loving behavior in a partner. It can be hard to get through if they have low self-esteem. I had a friend in high school with chronically low self-esteem and *no one* was going to talk her out of it. To my knowledge her family wasn't abusive but I didn't know them well. I saw her life before her when I was 18 and I wasn't wrong 😒
We have so far to go on this issue. I remember becoming aware of domestic violence in the ‘70s when I was a teenager. Women were truly unable to get support in those times; they were victims of abusive partners. I have read about and heard horror stories. But it’s like we just can’t let go of that narrative; it’s almost like if we acknowledge any agency on women’s parts, we will immediately be sucked back to that horrific reality.
It’s time to create a new, more nuanced narrative. Young women need to be explicitly taught to avoid certain dysfunctional behaviors that contribute to a mindset of helplessness and victimization. They need to be told to leave abusers at the first red flag. Passiveness leads to harm for one’s self and others.
Everyone needs to stop being afraid of the false power of aggressiveness. It’s an expression of weakness, not strength. This is true of society as a whole, not just women in unbalanced relationships.
Stand up to the bullies and stop giving them permission to dominate everyone.
Thanks for another great reality-check article.
I think what's going on is that many feminists are actually afraid of their own power. Naomi Wolf wrote about it in Fighting Fire With Fire. It was about feminism overall, I don't remember if she addressed abuse specifically. I think acknowledging that I might be right about this creates cognitive dissonance for some - "You mean I could have walked out of this sooner?" "Yeah I KNOW that, bitch, but I didn't know I could leave!" "Shit, she's right, I want to leave but I'm afraid." "THE LAST THING A CRYING WOMAN IN MY SHELTER NEEDS IS *YOU* TELLING HER TO JUST WALK AWAY!" Domestic violence advocates in particular are hostile to my message because their job is to clean up messes; my job, I try to explain, is to avoid messes in the first place. There seems to be an intrinsic resistance in many women's brains in taking charge of one's life; maybe it makes them feel invalidated, I don't know. Or abuse advocates, who very often have been abused themselves, don't want someone pointing out that they could have left their bad partnerships before they did.
I handle prevention; they handle the aftermath.
Great insight!