Come Join The More Inclusive White Supremacy 2.0!*

*Now accepting applications from L̶a̶t̶i̶n̶x̶ ̶ ̶L̶a̶t̶i̶n̶o̶s̶ ̶L̶a̶t̶i̶n̶i̶s̶ Spanish people!

“Man it’s great to be white! We’re so cool!” “And rich!” Image from Pexels

Hi there! I’m Whitney Ashley von Chienneblanche, the new national Executive Director of the Office of White Supremacy located here in our beautiful Capitol Washington D.C.! Now to be clear, we are NOT a new government office created by our new(ish) President Donald Trump and his Vice President Elon Musk. We are a non-partisan, non-profit, 501(c)(3) organization. We have no connection with either political party. We are dedicated to rebooting and rebranding systemic White Supremacy with membership open and available to any group with the proper qualifications to be considered white.

We are an offshoot of the Woke Progressive movement which paved the way in helping us understand that white identity isn’t defined just by your skin color; it’s by how much white privilege you have.

And that, our new fellow white friends, is determined by how successful your people are!

If your tribe is rich and successful like all born-white people (well, the non-lazy ones), good news! YOU QUALIFY!!!

You no longer have to be white to be white!

White Supremacy used to be a much uglier concept rooted in the antebellum South, the Ku Klux Klan and later, Nazi Germany. Honestly, those people were SO exclusive! So obsessed with white ‘purity’. They didn’t allow Italians. Or Greeks. No Poles, no Slavs, no Hungarians—ffs, they were from EASTERN EUROPE! Can you imagine how anyone from there can not be white enough? Blonde! Fair! Blue-eyed! Came from closer to the Arctic Circle than us real white people! Only saw the sun like three hours a year! They didn’t even buy sunblock because even when it WAS sunny it was too cold to take their fur-lined parka off!

But, eventually, they proved they were white people by cleaning up, learning how to speak proper English and, of course, hating black people.

But that is NOT the kind of White Supremacy we envision today.

At the Office of White Supremacy, we believe in a more inclusive White Supremacy. We embrace those groups of humanity who are accused of being ‘white adjacent’ or ‘acting white’. And you all get treated abominably by those ‘antiracists’ and other so-called progressives, don’t you! We feel for you, our fellow white newbies. Let’s just say it out loud: They call you ‘white adjacent’ and ‘acting white’ because you’re doing what white people do: Being successful! They’re jealous.

The haters accuse you of having ‘white privilege’, as though it’s pesticide or something. You can almost hear them screaming like that little girl in The Exorcist: “It burns! It burns!”

We’re educated! We’re wealthy! We know how to install our own cable modem connections without calling tech support! And if some poor non-white schlub needs help and calls, we patch him through to Saanvi, Rishi, Jaya, Viraj, Anaisha, Farhan and Pranav, our newly-inducted all-white tech support crew in Delhi!

Here are just a few of the groups we have embraced into our New White Supremacy:

Jews!

I don’t know why it took us so long to accept these loveable bubbelehs! They’ve truly been white since, like, forever! Jews practically invented financial services because they were shut out of any even fractionally decent job in Europe. They invented banking. And lending. And investing. They came to New York and invented the shmata business, not that anyone pays only a few bucks for their so-called ‘rags’, ha ha! Edith Head. Ralph Lauren. Michael Kors. Richard Blackwell. Diane Von Ferstenberg. Lena Himmelstein (of course!), Isaac Mizrahi. Calvin Klein. Oy! Have you seen the price of this ‘shmata’??

“Even us? Can we join the New White Supremacists?” Sure enough, folks! Black Hebrew Israelites are still JEWISH…ish. We think. We’re not sure. But we’ll say yes for now! Photo by Dror Eiger - Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0

(East) Asians!

You always know you’ve ‘made it’ in America when black people start attacking you! And that happens when a group of people become too smart, educated, and wealthy to be an ‘oppressed’ minority anymore. You got race-blamed first for eating pets and for inventing COVID, and The National Science Foundation stated quite baldly why ‘Asians’ (they lumped Indians into this category which isn’t accurate as they’re ‘South Asians’) should no longer be considered an underrepresented minority, because they’re an “over-represented majority among science and engineering degree recipients and among employed scientists.”

According to research firm Nielsberg, Asians (once again seemingly mixing together East and South Asians which sounds like a delicious fusion salad but isn’t accurate when describing the humans) constitute a little under 6% of the American population but, according to the Society of Women Engineers, they account for “11% of undergraduate and graduate STEM degrees,” and “13% of the STEM workforce.” Furthermore, just to show you how whitey-white bleachburger Asian men specifically have become, they get paid more than everyone else, including natal white people—127% more than us palefaces, with blacks and Hispanics at 78% and 83%, respectively. I’d call that so white you could stuff a Dunkin’ Donut, gentlemen!

(South) Asians!

Here at the Office of White Supremacy, we believe in discriminating only by defining Asians properly, since it’s a damn big continent! Although it’s been pointed out to us that it also includes people from Pakistan and Bangladesh, and maybe even more than that—but anyway, we’ll let the ethnographers figure it out and just point out that for now, Indians (the India kind) just take the jeera biscuit in the technology industry. Let me tell you something, fellow white folks, they RULE technology! India is a global technology power. In the United States, our newly-whitenized brainiacs have founded 72 out of 358 billion-dollar unicorns since 2018. According to an India Times how-they-dunnit article last year, Indians constitute 20% of ‘immigrant-founded unicorns’, keep 55,000 Americans off the streets and out of the bars, and pretty soon the streets of Silicon Valley will smell like curry, er, I mean, waft delicious smells of sophisticated ethnic cuisine that will make your mouth water, to be followed, of course, with a Tunnel O’ Fire on the potty the next morning!

“Now that we’re white, let’s take over the world!” Photo from Rawpixel

By now you must surely be asking, “How can I know if I’m white enough to become a New White (More Inclusive) Supremacist?”

Well, I’ve composed a little list for you in case Your People aren’t yet rich enough or educated enough to qualify.

How to tell if you’re actually white

• You say ‘Latinx’

• You spend Juneteenth whipping yourself over the legacy of slavery, even though your parents come from a country that had nothing to do with the transatlantic slave trade

• You talk about ‘defunding the police’ but call them every time your roommate eats your leftover pizza

• You actually say things like “Acknowledge that you are a raced being,” with a straight face

• You realize you’ll soon need to find an accountant who handles ‘High Net Worth’ individuals

• You feel guilty about ‘cultural appropriation’ every time you DoorDash sushi platter to your address in a gated community

• You bought your condo with cash

• You had to take November 5th off as a personal day to cuddle yourself, be with your pain, and wonder how much longer Vice President Musk will allow you to call the new President a cryptofascist Nazi orange helldroid on X before banning you forever

• You’re always checking to see if you got your steps in for the day

• You feel slightly silly when you appropriate hip-hop symbols and gestures

• You shop at Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s

  WARNING: N-word in the video below! Go back! Go back!!!

How to join the New White Supremacy Movement!

Just be yourself. Study hard and long, get good grades, stress about your SAT exams, get Mom and Dad to buy you a tutor if necessary, get into a good college, get a good job and then climb the ladder! Or start your own unicorn (ask an Indian for help! We white people always help our own!)

Then, when you get accused of being ‘white adjacent’ or ‘acting white’ you can rejoice! You’ve made it! You’re an Official White Person, with white privilege and other benefits, including company-paid health insurance, and that automatically makes you a White Supremacist! Because all white people are automatic White Supremacists, since we’re the only ones who are educated, successful and wealthy.

Just ask any woke progressive!

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The Great American White-Out
On The Eternal Whiteness Of Being
White People Who Hate White People Are Racist - This one got taken down at Medium for unspecified ‘hate speech’ reasons, which is weird because they fancy themselves ‘antiracist’

When I’m not working on my proposal to induct the NBA, I help women and others reclaim their power here at Grow Some Labia.