Look, America, let me speak bluntly. This is coming from a native daughter. Look, we’re friends, right? Still? Even though, frankly, you’ve turned into a real bitch. I’m just being honest. Countries are talking. They’re saying you’re not as cool as you used to be. That you’re a real snot. That Canada is ‘the good one’. That you need to get over yourself. Don’t get mad!!! I’m just being honest. Nobody admires you anymore. No one likes you. Or wants to be like you. Some of the meaner countries are saying, frankly, that you suck.
And come on, you know what I’m talking about. You need to change your attitude. A real makeover. To turn over a new leaf.
A maple one.
I’ve got the perfect solution. You need to become part of Canada! Our eleventh province. Now wait, before you object, just hear me out. Please? Because we’re friends and I’m only trying to help you.
I’ve compiled a list of Top Ten Reasons Why America Should Join Canada, rather than the other way around. Just listen, just listen, I think you’re going to like this!
#10 - We’re prettier than you, but you could be just as pretty!
All your best-looking actors and celebrities? They’re Canadians.
Justin Bieber. Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Gosling. Anna Paquin. Rachel MacAdams. Drake. Elisha Cuthbert. Michael Bublé. Keanu Reeves!!! <swoon> Nina Dobrev. Shay Mitchell. Hayden Christensen. And, OMG, Justin Trudeau!!! Still a babe after ten years of running this country, often, we’ll admit, into the ground. But I mean, we’re just gorgeous! I know, I know, you want to know our beauty secrets. I’ll share them. We bathe every day in MAGA’s envious tears and we liberally (tee hee) apply maple-flavoured national pride every morning with a beaver pelt. And, TBH, and please don’t get mad at this, we also express gratitude every night that we’re not American. Being Not American does wonders for your skin and makes you glow like a 12-year-old!!! You should try it!
Because America, as so many countries who are not America know, is Ugly. And that brings me to my next reason for you to improve your How Hot Am I? attractiveness score by becoming Canadian.
#9 Healthcare isn’t a business here, so we don’t shoot anyone over it
Become part of Canada, and, seriously speaking, you’ll gain a lot more sleep not worrying about what will happen if you get an expensive disease. Anxiety destroys beauty. Being bankrupted by a broken bone creates ugly wrinkles.
When we visit the doctor we show them a card and they show us a patient’s room. Sometimes we have to pay extra, and not everything’s covered. But we don’t spend a lot of time fighting with healthcare providers because everyone knows what’s covered and what’s not.
Healthcare is run by the Canadian government, not by large corporations who deny defend depose.
Oh, and flu shots are free. For everyone. With a health card. But you have to be a Canadian first.
#8 We have a social safety net and leaders who’ve got our backs (if they’re Liberal)
Canada watches out for you when the chips are down. The government has got our backs. Okay, the Liberal government. The Conservatives since I’ve been here? Not so much.
During the COVID crisis, Justin Trudeau implemented the CERB program to support Canadians suddenly thrown out of work and unable to find employment. It saved a lot of people’s bacon. It wasn’t perfectly implemented—it was an emergency rush job—and many fell through the cracks and others took advantage to defraud the program. Up front, they admitted they might expect you to pay it back if it was found later you didn’t qualify after all, and they did. But it went a helluva longer way than the occasional scraps of money Trump and Biden tossed out.
Today, our new Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced a $2B relief plan to support autoworkers thrown out of jobs thanks to You-Know-Who’s unprovoked trade war. Canadians support Canadians.
#8 We got weed!!! Legal!!! And we’ll share if you don’t try and bogart the land or water!
We’ve had legal weed since 2018 and we haven’t turned into a nation of Reefer Madness murder zombies or a Timbits-scarfing nation of Jabba the Huffs. We’ve got gummies! We’ve got brownies! We’ve got candies! You can just buy them on any street corner! Okay, not like from some smelly dude with a backpack, we’ve got more weed shops than Tim Horton’s. We’ve got weed farms! In fact, I’ll let you in on a little secret—actually, it’s a VERY BIG MILITARY SECRET, so don’t tell anyone, but—weed is our Secret Weapon in case the U.S. invades. We plan to ply your soldiers with the best weed (offered by all our drop-dead gorgeous women and men) so they’ll forget why they’re here. Then when they ask us we’ll say, “More weed, better beer, and lots of great sex!” Your soldiers will never want to leave. If we can’t beat you in a traditional war, we’ll acquire you one stoned, sexually satisfied, madly in love American soldier at a time!
We took your people during the Vietnam War, and we’ll do it again.
#7 Canadians get along with each other
We’re multicultural, like you, but we treat each other better because we’re not obnoxious. Like our Christians, who aren’t always nagging you to adopt their pre-owned god. In fact, you usually don’t even know they’re Christian because they don’t run around making a big virtue-signalling deal about it. Black Canadians get along with white Canadians just fine, and Black Lives Matter made idiots of themselves years ago when they formed a Toronto chapter and then had nothing to do because our police weren’t, you know, lining black people up for miles or routing them out of bed at four in the morning to shoot them, which is, I guess, the sort of thing that happens in your country. BLM got so bored they were reduced to holding up a Pride Parade to protest the fact that police weren’t killing enough black people to justify their existence. Okay, I’m being a little sarcastic but you get my point. Canadians like each other more, especially after the Big Orange Fat Fuck (B.O.F.F.) declared economic war on us. United we stand, divided you fall.
#6 We have abortion rights
Women decide. You want an abortion? You got it. No need to travel to some far-flung state (State? What’s that? Ha ha!) because all the voter crazies in your state and the states surrounding yours abolished it. No more walking past a gauntlet of self-righteous fetus warriors who would just as easily kick that kid off welfare and let ‘im starve, or who believe Jesus hates women who take The Pill. Nor do you need to get consent from your partner (he doesn’t need yours either when he gets pregnant). And you can get the morning-after pill over the counter.
#5 We’re safer: Fewer mass shootings
Canada is proof positive that you don’t need a bunch of guns to be safe. In fact, it’s directly counterproductive. Canada has far fewer guns than America, and, consequently, far fewer mass shootings. We’d have even fewer if Trudeau (praise be unto his blue eyes nevertheless) had smacked back on Donald Trump about the fentanyl by saying, “Okay, fine, we’ll do something about the small cosmetic case of drugs that crosses your border every year but you must do the same with guns.” When you don’t let any old idiot yahoo have shooty things, the murder rate stays lower. Our children walk to school every day like you did thirty or forty years ago without worrying they’ll come home with their head missing from some ugly Merk with a grievance against, God only knows what, goldfish or something. You can stand on your balcony here without being shot. You can buy eggs (at $3.43/carton as I did this past Saturday) at the grocery store without falling into a bloody puddle. You can do your fast food job without getting shot for having run out of a side dish. You can eat a cheeseburger without becoming dead meat yourself.
I mean, come on America, you’re just crazy. No one wants to talk to you because you might blow a hole in their butt for feeding squirrels.
#4 We’re nicer than you (when you’re not attacking us)
Foreigners pretend to love you when you visit (“Ohhhhhh, Amedican! Beddy big tippahs! Bring big Amedican wallet!”) but in fact they’re just after you for your money. Go Canadian, and you can sew honest flag patches on your backpacks and big American Canadian wallet which everyone will just assume is stuffed with weed and vapes. We’ll teach you how to talk Canuckian and not overuse the ‘eh?’ at the end which is a totally rookie move.
The Big Orange Fat Fuck and the Barbie Bimbo disrespecting Canada and our former Prime Minister is not winning you any friends, New Canada. Now we know a lot of you love us already, and don’t approve of the trash-talkin’ manbaby and his trained parrot. You know no country on earth wants to become one of your states for many very obvious reasons. (This list should give you a good idea.) Here’s the deal: Become Canadian and then everyone will love you! We’ll call your province New Canada! Alaska will join the mainland, and Hawaii will be Canada South. You can keep your eagle, but it’ll be your provincial animal. Your national animal will be the beaver, which is great because everybody loves beavers!!!
#3 You won’t starve to death
We have shit the manbaby wants—our rare earth minerals, our oil and our water. We’ve got potash, which was made millions of years ago from the Sea of Saskatchewan. And you don’t got much of it yourselves.
Become New Canada, and you don’t starve to death when we tariff the shit out of potash since America actually depends on us for it. Tell the Big Orange Fat Fuck the U.S. needs us far more than he knows. Become our eleventh province, and you will never starve to death.
#2 - We’re more liberal than you are
Even our conservatives. We don’t argue about abortion. Or gay marriage. They resisted legal weed, but our conservatives are dealing with it.
We still believe in democracy, and honestly, you don’t. No, not even the Democrats. Especially the Democrats. They’re as infested and indoctrinated with anti-democratic crazies as the MAGAts. Who supports the Islamofascist Hamas more, I ask you? Now tell us again how Donald Trump is the most fascist threat to America.
Get real: It’s a toss-up.
#1 - Our nation is run by grownups
We are getting our shit together because of you.
This is the big one, kids. New Canada, right now you’re a nation of children run by spoiled toddlers. And we don’t just mean Donnie Demento and the MAGAt gang. We mean all of you. Yeah, you too, Democrats, we’re looking at you too! Nadda wunnuya can be counted on to put up and elect a real, competent, educated, experienced presidential candidate. We have four major parties in Canada and although they often don’t agree with each other they’re all grownups. And when the shit comes down, like with COVID and now Donnie Delusional ranting and raving about annexing, like, the entire solar system, our leaders come together like a perfectly-synchronized marching band in lockstep to slam you back with higher consumer prices because President Schitzenpants wakes up one morning and thinks, “Four dollars a pound for beef is way too low. It needs to be six dollars a pound! I’ll raise the tariffs on beef so Canada will raise it back!”
Et voilà - we make it happen for you. A Hamburger Helper meal that costs more than your engagement ring.
And we’ll keep it comin’ for ya as long as ya want, America. Our new prime minister promises to “keep our tariffs on until the Americans show us respect.” As in, suck it, you B.F.O.B. (Big Fat Orange Bitch)! Two words that should strike the fear of God into Americans: Oil embargo. We’ve already kicked your annexing ass twice, here and here, and we’ll do it again if you make us. We ain’t no rice paddy farmers or desert-dwelling goat herders, cupcakes. And you couldn’t even beat them. Remember, the ‘artificially drawn line’ works both ways, to your benefit.
End the misery now! Become our next province, New Canada! You can’t afford to live in the U.S. anymore anyway! Because you can’t beat us and the offer to join us is limited.
Remember: Become Canadian, enjoy our riches, and avoid Trumpflation.
How To Become A Canadian - Real advice based on my experience
When I’m not going all Julius Caesar on New Canada I help women and others reclaim their power here at Grow Some Labia.
Ok, this is seriously funny. I think you need rehearse it and then take your show on the road. You could kick off the tour at the Wayne Gretzky Restaurant in downtown Toronto. I’d book you in Lansing, but I don’t recommend crossing the border to the US right now. I’d hate to see your pretty Canadian face staring out from a Salvadoran prison.
Just sayin’.
Grow some brains.