Mansplaining, Lecturing, And Challenging--What Are The Differences?

What do you do when you've been illegitimately accused of 'mansplaining'? I gotcher answers right here!

“Is he ever going to shut up?” Image by Megan Judge from Pixabay

Men explain things to me, but they never mansplain. Sometimes I ask for information, other times they lecture, uninvited, which is more annoying. Sometimes they simply don’t know when to shut up and I sit there thinking, “He answered the question ten minutes ago.”

What are the differences?

Some men get accused of mansplaining when all they’ve done is challenge a woman on incorrect assertions or sloppy assumptions, or who’ve not thought through a particular proposition.

A male commenter on Substack recently noted that ‘mansplaining’ is a particularly male dynamic because men simply love to explain stuff!!! Including to each other, regularly. What is actual mansplaining? he wondered, vs ‘regular old ‘splainin’, or just challenging in response?

Let’s take a look at the two conversational male misdemeanors, beginning with the two that sometimes drive women to contemplate murder: Mansplaining and lecturing. We’ll end with challenging, which is perfectly acceptable, along with what to do when you’re wrongly accused, and how to avoid oversplainin’.

Mansplaining

The original, and most concise definition is, ‘when a man explains things to women he should expect she’d already know or that she’s already told him she knows.’ For example: I’m in IT sales. Today, basic, essential computer knowledge is hardly gendered; but when I entered the profession thirty-two years ago, IT was more female-free than a mancave during the Superbowl, and it wasn’t an unreasonable assumption to expect female ignorance, because most women had no interest in computers.

When I joined computer BBS’s back in the early ‘90s, I ruled the mostly younger male cohort because there was maybe one woman for every five (horny) males. The only other female who could compete with the French Wench in a photo-free dialup world where photos would have taken a geological age to load was Blue-Eyed Sex-Kitten.

So if a man were to explain computers to me say, in 1997, I might say, “Oh I know this already, I’m in IT.” He’s not mansplaining unless he continues to explain things I just said are my literal profession. Mansplaining started when the God of All Mansplainers kept explaining a book he’d just read to its author, whose girl friend told him this several times, ergo, that she knew exactly what it was about. He wasn’t sharing his insight, he was explaining it to the author.

That’s it. THAT is the definition of mansplaining. When a woman tells you she already knows about something—skip to the point. If you can’t tell from looking at her that she already knows this stuff (like, when I wasn’t wearing my company-branded uniform), then it’s not mansplaining.

Men mansplain mansplaining!

There are other types of ‘splaining too. Whitesplaining: Explaining the ‘Black Experience’ to black people. Techsplaining: Talking over someone’s head without asking for their knowledge level. And I once accused a feminist of ‘femsplaining’ although she countered she wasn’t sure how much feminist history I knew.

‘Femsplaining’ might be better defined as when women ‘splain’ things to men in a manner designed to patronize rather than sincerely enlighten. Yes, gentlemen, call her out. “Hey, you’re not psychic, you don’t live in my head. Don’t tell me what I think. You’d raise the roof if I did it to you. And for your information, I know how to operate the washer and dryer, I do my own laundry, including ironing!”

Progressives expand and change the meaning of words at will, so progressive feminists schooled in professional victimhood have misused and overused ‘mansplaining’ to cover practically anything men say they don’t like, and especially when they feel intimidated by a man challenging their opinion or facts. That is not what the originator of the term, Rebecca Solnit, described, and we need to return to the original definition. It no longer means, a la Humpty Dumpty, exactly what any woman chooses it to mean.

Just make sure your own riposte or assertions are true, because, as Solnit pointed out in her essay, men often assume women don’t know things they do, and more to the point, men often don’t know as much as they think.

That guy who’s the expert on everything? Everyone knows one. Don’t be that guy.

Lecturing

This is by far the most common conversational misdemeanor men commit, and a lot of y’all are doing it. This isn’t lecturing to a class or to your wayward child, it’s when men start running off at the mouth about something that interests them, or even worse, something they think they know about, but don’t.

This, I believe, is the distinction the ‘splainin’ the aforementioned commenter asked about.

There’s no shortage of female know-it-alls, but they’re less inclined to monologue to display knowledge. What they are more inclined to do is bore your ass off with every detail of their forthcoming wedding or to complain about some chronic problem.

I have a male friend who ‘lectures’. He loves to explain stuff whether I asked or not. In fact, he literally can’t shut up. He’ll push past your cries for rescue. He’s a wonderful person but he’s deeply insecure; lecturing is his clumsy way to establish status, but also to add genuine value, however foolishly.

Some men just boldly walk up to others and start lecturing. A friend in community college complained about a man she already disliked who waltzed up to a conversation she was in with three or four people and just started popping off about some documentary he’d watched the night before. Just interrupted and started lecturing; no one was discussing it, no one was interested, and he was so busy impressing himself he was oblivious to their irritation.

Lecturers aren’t good at reading the room, or watching for glazed eyeballs, averted glances or other signs of impatience. I watched my lecturing friend destroy a pandemic-era friends Zoom by lecturing and troubleshooting a minor tech issue that wasn’t important. He missed the clear signs of irritation on my other friends’ faces and I knew they would never agree to another Zoom. I was right.

Challenging - Not a misdemeanor!

This isn’t a particularly male impulse: It’s gender-non-specific when we encounter misinformation, bad ideas or ill-thought-out proposals. But it’s also what’s most likely to trigger accusations of mansplaining because no one likes being criticized or corrected, however politely, in public.

Problem is, incorrect statements in public forums invite it. It’s a public forum. It invites feedback. Posters, writers, and commenters never object to positive feedback (“You’re so right!”) but hackles rise with negative response (“Good point, but you’re wrong about….” or even worse, “Jane, you ignorant slut!”)

NSFW:

An adult woman will own up and admit she got something wrong; perhaps even thank the person for the correction.

A less mature woman will react badly, which happened to a male friend of mine recently. The lady made a proposition on Facebook; my friend pointed out there were some flaws in her plan; and she got pissy and accused him of ‘mansplaining’ to the ‘silly little girl’. He called me to vent because she’s one of my Facebook friends, although I haven’t talked to her in years. He invited me to check out the thread, which did. He didn’t mansplain; he was polite; never suggested she was a child. She wasn’t mature enough to handle a direct challenge when a more mature person would have said, “You’re right, not everyone can do what I propose.”

Later, she deleted the entire thread, cementing her lack of maturity. This is a woman in her mid-forties.

Men don’t have to tolerate female hypersensitivity when they’re legitimately challenging something she said. Keep it straightforward and non-insulting, as a patronizing or condescending tone can easily sound like mansplaining. But it’s fair game to return with, “Sorry, but human blood is always red; it’s a myth that it’s blue until oxygenated.” Link a credible source if needed.

Men’s conversation-dominant style works better in male-only spaces, where, the earlier-referenced commenter noted, it’s de rigueur. Some jerks intentionally dominate, talk over and belittle women to shut them up. Don’t be that guy, remember that women’s speech and conversational styles are different, managing ego protection, rapport-building, and softening bluntness, dynamics men should incorporate, too, for fewer misunderstandings. We all need to accommodate each other and recognize that what works at a ‘hen party’ , or in the mancave, requires refinement in a mixed setting.

And ladies: DON’T LET HIM DOMINATE.

The woman is not always right

Comedians still joke about this when a man is married, although I don’t find it as funny as I used to, because too many women, especially progressives, seem to believe it. Which just goes to show you, it’s not just men who suffer from intellectual self-delusions!

To recap:

• Mansplaining is never okay. It’s explaining something to a woman you already know she knows.

• Lecturing is annoying and often gets confused with mansplaining. Read the room and release your hostages.

• Challenging is perfectly acceptable, because public forums literally demand it. Refute charges of mansplaining by defining it via Rebecca Solnit and restate why you challenged what she said.

I hope this makes it all clear. Please spread the message far and wide, gentlemen; you don’t have to tolerate female tantrums if you truly haven’t done anything wrong.

The blueprint’s pretty easy: Skip to the point, wrap it up, or challenge her wisely. You’re not responsible for her feelings beyond that. She’s a a big girl, whether she knows it or not.

NSFW!!! Or if you must watch this at work, turn down the sound. Rather a lot.

When I’m not catsplaining the rules of claw engagement with Mimi the Occasionally Temperamental Tempkitty, I help women and others reclaim their power here at Grow Some Labia.