An Immodest Proposal: Top Ten Reasons Why We Should Eat The Rich
The rich spread poverty, breed like rabbits and are bad for the environment and the economy.
(This is a repurposed article from long ago that’s been recycled and rebranded more often than Madonna. I’m now moving to an every-other week publishing schedule. The week after next, I promise, I’ll return you to my freshly-squeezed liberal drivel.)
I think we can all agree: The global economy is headed for the cliff, the world is forever altered and we can’t count on Washington, the European Union, or any other governmental entity to fix anything. Both American over-privileged political parties, beholden to the elite and monied of America, are equally corrupt and dictatorial; whichever one is out of power bitches and moans about the party in power doing the exact same things the former power party was doing. Which is why the ‘free speech’ of college students arrested for alleged Islamofascism is now a big deal when the transfascism of pronouns and banning books that might make liberals think too much were just fine and dandy, thankyouverymuch, and shut up about it you dumb Republican fascist, or we’ll destroy your life!
I have a solution for all this. It’ll directly address the food insecurity many Americans now face, and, truly, in the grandest liberal traditional sense, lift all boats. With food prices skyrocketing thanks to a President who admits he doesn’t care if his dumbass policies hurt Americans (who knew he was so non-empathetic?), I propose a plentiful new protein supply that costs far less to acquire than a trip to the grocery store. And Americans have plenty of it!!!
Let’s eat the rich!
I want to make it perfectly clear I’m not suggesting anything barbaric, not like the nasty-ass dude who once suggested we eat the poor. And not just any poor, but children! What an appalling suggestion. I hope that man is dead!
Poor people are neglected resources who’ve never had a chance to thrive and be productive members of society. What matters more than anything else you’re born with, entering the world through a poor community and the wrong neighborhood greatly reduces the chances you’ll ever be anything except poor. Rich people are born with undeserved economic advantage and they use it to create stupid shit like NFTs, bitcoin, oxygen bars and Facebook. I’m suggesting, like those who support eating insects to address global food insecurity, that we feast on other plentiful, near-useless life forms.
Feeding others might be the only useful thing these over-indulged wankers ever did for humanity.
My Top Ten Reasons Why We Should Eat The Rich:
#1 Rich people make Americans stupider
The rich ruined the global economy seventeen years ago with financial toxic tranches in PowerPoint pies they created lest they have to do anything productive for society, then blamed the nouveau pauvre for being unemployed. This year they’re pulling Part Deux: Destroying the economy, the government and the social safety net to drive all Americans making less than a few billion a year into poverty. Poor people are easier to manage than the upper classes. Middle and upper class people aren’t scrabbling for a living every damn moment just trying to survive, so they have more time to do stuff like keep up with the news. Educated, informed Americans are bad for rich powerphiles. They vote. They have time to do this because they’re not scheduled to work all damn day from before polls open to after they close.
So, the rich are working to abolish the Department of Education and replace the latte left’s intellectually-challenged DEI critical theory nonsense with a blackwashed history in which they eliminate the history of anything other than heroic European descendants creating a City on a Hill with bulging steroid-enhanced muscles and the personal blessing of Jesus, bringing eternal happiness to otherwise-hopelessly savage Indigenous, and giving the Chinese honest labour instead of, whatever the hell it was those people did back home, breed bats for diseases or whatever.
#2 The rich are plentiful
There are 21 million millionaires in the U.S., as common as whiny-baby Trump TruthSocial tantrums, and 902 billionaires. According to Statista, the bottom 50% of Americans own only 2% of the nation’s wealth. We wouldn’t even have to restrict bagging the rich to a season. Rich people will feed millions of nouveau pauvre whose livelihoods were destroyed first by Wall Street financial shenanigans, then a pandemic, and now a psychopathic billionaire’s desire to destroy what’s left of America. This way he can establish a full dictatorship in his third term, which may still be cut short by his advancing dementia which Republicans will absolutely lie about, too.
#3 The rich are filthy, germy, and spread disease
The rich ignored lockdowns. They angled mightily to reopen the markets in the face of a devastating pandemic because profits were more important than thousands of Americans who died in the first year. In an era in which air travel was severely restricted for everyone else, the rich eschewed offices, public schools and universities and escaped the rising infections by conducting their business-as-usual Zoom meetings from their Caribbean cabanas after flying there on their private jets. Funerals were for the little people. Who they forced to go to work if they were ‘essential workers’, didn’t bother to provide them with PPE, and offered no health insurance because sick underpaid wage slaves are less expensive to schlep out in a body bag than cure.
#4 The rich breed like rabbits and create overconsuming assholes
All of whom feel entitled to do no work and instead suckle at the government teat, living off taxpayer-funded corporate welfare and near-zero taxes. They’ll pay even less with Trumpflation slated to become a permanency, since they once again gaslit working-class Americans to vote against their own interests (although to be fair the chumps would have gotten zero help from a Democratic administration, which would have, at least, respected their pronouns). But still, Thanks again, you easily-duped, always-reliable saps! Without rich people, unemployed South American cocaine kings, assuming they were good at jungle camouflage when the poor are feeling a mite peckish, would have to get real jobs.
And we wouldn’t have to listen to Elon Musk whine anymore about how people aren’t making enough babies, except for him, which he does by IVF since for reasons he’s never explained he doesn’t have sex with the ridiculously beautiful women he knocks up. Elon is a sperm donor and nothing else. He drove one of his kids to go trans and disavow his dad. He doesn’t even know his kids’ names, probably because he can’t remember the supremely stupid names he gives them which neither he nor anyone else can spell or pronounce. So, deal with it little XYZPDQ69YOLO420-9000. Don’t cry, the wedgies will only continue until you get to MIT, upon which you’ll be the coolest kid in the computer chess club.
#5 Thinning the rich is good for the environment
Rich people famously hate to travel anywhere farther than the corner Cartier’s in anything other than a private jet. The biggest yachts burn 200 gallons of fossil fuel an hour. A Canadian study found that the 1% generated three times more greenhouse gas emissions than us mortals. It’s estimated that just by eating Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Paris Hilton and Emma Watson that greenhouse gases would immediately drop 31.9 percent.
#6 We have to cull the herd so the rich don’t get bored and start wars
Particularly when they realize their neighbor owns a bigger missile, which means he has a bigger penis, which means you have to buy a bigger penis, and that can get expensive. And dangerous. The War in Afghanistan, the War in Iraq, and the War on Freedom/Terror came down to a size argument between two rich guys: Osama bin Laden and George W. Bush. Later, Donald Trump, a/k/a Cadet Bone Spurs, bombed Syria merely to prove (mostly to himself) what a he-man he is since he was too much of a pussy to fight in Vietnam. Eating the rich would reduce toxic masculinity and the psychopath population.
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#7 The rich are a healthy source of protein, and you’re not harming animals
The rich are low in fat because, as Tom Wolfe ever-so-hilariously pointed out in Bonfire of the Vanities, rich women are ‘social X-rays’ and rich men tend to look like this.
Granted, eating Donald Trump might not be the healthiest meal. If you abhor the detrimental health effects of fast food, remember, Donnie Demento eats more garbage than a murder of crows. Choose Robert F. Kennedy Jr. instead. MAHA! Bon appetit!
#8 Good juju
The rich were better at surviving COVID-19 than the rest of us as they had access to the world’s best doctors and richest medical facilities and the ability to fly off to their mountain getaway in Aspen. If you eat a rich COVID-19 survivor, you will absorb his or her holy immune-superior essence and the gods will make you forever immune to the ravages of any virus or future monstrosity to emerge from the wet markets or labs of China.
#9 Eating the rich will make universities better
Eating the rich will raise the collective IQ of America by enabling everyone remaining to afford a higher education again that offers more majors than Progressive Autocracy with a minor in Antisemitism. Colleges and universities will have to lower their tuition and fees to meet the budgets of mere mortals. It’s far more likely that the nouveau pauvre will use their college educations better than the rich ever will.
#10 Removing the sexual wackadoo element
What if someone had eaten Jeffrey Epstein right before he bought his pedo island? Think about it.
The rich and powerful have a big jones for tender young flesh, and if only someone had eaten P. Diddy and R. Kelly earlier in their careers! <nom nom> What if someone had eaten Donald Trump when he was slim, healthier, and good for your cardiovascular system? We might not be in the mess we have today. Especially if we had eaten the entire clan. Or Matt Gaetz! Rudy Giuliani! Prince Andrew! Andrew Cuomo! ANDREW TATE!
This is doable
Before you leap up to announce, “But the rich have guns and security guards and really high electronic fences!” I would say pshaw! If a hippie-haired, high-forehead former high school dork can come within a fraction of a second from killing a presidential campaign candidate with an AR-15 in sight of the Secret Service, if they’d been paying attention, then I can tell you this: A bunch of really hungry pissed-off nouveau pauvre who, until quite recently, sent humans into outer space, invented the Internet, and had good stock portfolios, will figure out how to breach that overpriced firepower and storm the mansions of Midtown Manhattan, the towers of Dubai and the entire country of Luxembourg.
Please note I AM KIDDING ABOUT EATING PEOPLE! And also please don't blame me if someone eats Madonna. (Yes it’s a sad commentary on the state of modern society that I have to add the proviso that I don’t seriously encourage anyone to cannibalize.) TTY for reals in two more weeks! Because I am moving to an every-other-week article publication schedule, although I’ll still add others if the spirit, or the news, moves me.
The rich aren’t very appetizing, but if we turned them into chicken nuggets, they might provide a little quality protein that wouldn’t activate our collective gag reflex quite as much. And with the price of food what it is, the burgeoning ranks of the poor are getting mighty hungry.
Please read The Ancient City by Numa Denis Fustel de Coulanges, first published in 1864 in french and many good translations are available. This revolt to blame/eat/kill the rich has been around forever.